Everything And More
by Stormy Grey Skies
Summary: Just a lonely little story starting that I decided to post. Basically, Jasper tries to explain his world to his changing mate. All my stories are rated M because I am hopelessly confused with the ratings. Also, to be safe.
1. One

Hey.

I know, I know, lame. But, oddly, I find I'm not really sure what to say. I don't usually consort with humans. It's nuthin' against you; personally, it's just that I find it tiring pretendin' to be somethin' I'm not. And, for obvious reasons, that would have to be necessary. I guess I've just never really felt the need.

The coven I stay with, the Cullens. They all try to socialize at least a little bit, but that's really for their own selfish reasons. Don't get me wrong; they're a decent group, as far as these things go. But they're deludin' themselves, keeping up this charade all the time. They cling to what they can remember of their human lives even though it hurts them, and romanticize others' innate human-ness. But we're not human. I'm a vampire, and I've accepted that. They're still sort of in the denial phase.

So, they try their best to put on their little show of being just like all the other little mortals, going to high school time after time. I go along with it, for my own reasons, but I haven't really seen the need to interact with humans more than I have to.

Besides, even if I did, the rest of the coven would probably try to stop me. Not that they could, but they'd be all anxious and overbearin'. Which would kinda ruin it for me. Like I'm going to snap into a bloodthirsty rampage any second, and they would be able to prevent it. Darlin', first of all, I'm not weak like they think I am. And second, if I were to snap, nobody could stand in the way.

Except you. I mean, obviously, you're a special case. Very few humans find out about us, and if they know the truth, they only know the basics. Those that do are either turned, dead, or about to be one or the other. Of course, there are the crazies, but nobody will believe them anyways. You're probably one of the only ones who are none of the above.

Which, I suppose, might be why I'm even interactin' with you. I might not go outta my way to talk to your kind, but I guess you've always been an exception.

What you have to remember, though, is that we may look like humans, and we may used to be human, but we aren't anymore. No matter how similar our two species, we're still separate.

So certain things are entirely different. Our instincts, for example. They're similar but different. For example, no matter how in love you are with someone as a human, your first primal instinct is still gonna be self-preservation. There's no shame in that, that's just how it is. But as a vampire with your true mate, your first primal instinct is always gonna be to protect them.

A lot of things in our universe have something to do with our true mates. And that's that. That's probably also the major difference between our two species. We have true mates. And while some may be human that's just because of the close relationship.

I choose to look at it as almost two species. Kinda like a butterfly and a caterpillar. One turns into the other through a messy process. And sometimes, we'll find our true mates when they haven't yet gone through that process.

We have a slightly different natural behavior, too. We purr, for one. Of course, like many things in our world, that's only for our true mates. We growl, snarl, hiss, and all those things. Sometimes we can act reminiscent of a predatory feline. When we fight, we fight differently than humans do. It's not so much hitting as tearing. A punch would crack and fracture our skin, but do little actual damage. We tear each other's limbs off, literally.

Fighting is another interesting topic. Like most animals, we feel the inclination to fight over a lot of things. Territory, mates, sometimes just any little thing. The Cullen coven, no matter how much they try to be human, they are still just a coven of vampires deluding themselves. Just because I'm among them doesn't make me one of them. I may use their names sometimes, but at heart I'm still a Whitlock. The fact that we're all crowded together in vampire terms makes the suppressed tension that much greater. There's also their diet. I'm not saying it's the wrong choice or anything, but it does come with cons. One is that we're not fully fed and thus have to struggle with normal vampire things. It makes them less strong, fast, and in control. It also raises the tensions and negative emotions. That's where I come in. I learned pretty soon after coming here that if I just let their emotions run unchecked, they quickly spiral. They don't quite know how to get a grip on themselves, so I have to absorb some of that or we'll all burst. There's a reason most organized, mature covens aren't very big.

My past makes it so that I can handle myself better, even under bad conditions or circumstances. But all that unbridled negativity and darker emotions does get the better of me sometimes. I know how it feels to feed naturally, how much more controlled it is, and that makes the difference shocking. So, I will admit, I do stray sometimes. Usually I make my excuses and drain a rapist or two, maybe a murderer. I then gorge myself on animal blood and stay away until my eyes return to normal. Sometimes there's a complication and one of the coven stumbles upon me while my eyes still give me away. So I spin a tale of how I just couldn't resist, and I wanted to hide away my deed in shame. I convince them it was a slip-up and act the part of the regretful and angst-ridden member for a while. I let them assume what they want about the details.

I'm not a Cullen. You should remember that. I have my reasons for why I'm with them, but we'll get to that later.

As I've said before true mates play a big part in anything concerned with vampires. It, for instance, is why I'm even explaining this all to you. I should probably take the time to elaborate, so that the rest of what I'm about to tell you will make some sense to you.

A vampire may take companions and live contentedly with them for a long period of time. But any feelings they may have for each other are immediately trumped, as many things are, by one's true mate. True mates usually are referred to as simply mates. The process is slightly different for each pair, but the usual case is that as soon as the two make contact, they feel the mating bond form. The mating bond is a kind of…pull that a pair feels towards each other. It's part emotional, part mental, and part physical. Many liken it to a rope or strong binding tied to the other. But it also transmits the other's well-being. If the other is in extreme physical or emotional duress, or immediate danger, you will feel a pain or tug towards them. True mates can always locate each other by the bond, as when they are apart, they feel a slight pull towards the other's direction depending on how far away they are. The farther away they are, the stronger the pull.

When a vampire first finds their true mate, before they claim each other they are very possessive or protective of their other half. Claiming is when the pair has…intercourse…for the first time, during which they will bite each other during climax. The location is usually where the jugular vein would be on a human, or where the neck meets shoulder. There is a certain amount of venom injected into the mark, but unlike Master's Bites, where venom is injected to control the subject, it only strengthens the bond and reaffirms their choice.

This is because of both the location, and the timing. Vampires will bite each other's necks in an effort to rip the others' head off, but the steer way clear of the Claiming spot for a reason. Even Newborns instinctually don't bite there. If anyone other that the vampire's true mate tries to Claim them, it does not end well for both vampires involved. Another thing is that during intercourse with one's true mate, the venom is slightly different at climax for the sole purpose of the initial Claim. The bite site will be more insensitive to pain in the future, so sometimes when intercourse gets a little heavy and either feels the need to reinforce the Claim, biting again in the same spot will do that very thing with little pain on the other's part. It's also to warn others that their other halves are taken.

Some particularly stupid, new, or cocky vampire may come along and try to seduce a member of a mated couple, even with the Claim. Not only will they not be interested, their other half will become very possessive, protective, and jealous. A fight is almost inevitable, and sometimes loss of limbs or even death may occur. If one mate dies, the other will either immediately join them in a haze of pain and loss, or will seek revenge and then ultimately follow. If they seek revenge, they will be wild and almost feral, not capable of any thought other than to avenge their other half or to mourn them. They cannot be stopped unless they are killed.

Usually, the male is more dominant in the relationship than the female. Of course, there are a few exceptions, and if both parties are of the same sex, it's whichever is more naturally dominating. While humans find the subject of gay relationships very touchy, awkward, and up for debate, vampires are not so concerned. Most of the arguments against the are void, after all. Vampires, like many other animals, can be gay and not worry too much about prejudice or bad treatment. Humans who are against same-sex relationships mostly argue that it's unnatural, or not approved by whatever god they believe in, etc. But vampires are also deemed 'unnatural', so if we're already unnatural all bets are kind of off. You can't really be more unnatural.

Besides, all kinds of natural animals carry on gay relationships. With vampires, your sexual preference as a human isn't as straight and narrow. You might still prefer a certain gender, but that doesn't mean that you haven't dabbled with the other. Whoever is your mate, is your mate, and all the specifics don't really matter all that much.

What do I think of mates? Well, for a long time, as much as I tried not to be like Maria, I saw a mate as a weakness. Maria was my maker and the most evil female I know, but we'll get to that later. The point is, constantly worryin' 'bout your reason for existence's safety can be distractin', and many a strategic vampire has gone down because someone targeted their mate, and they reacted on pure instinct and rage. But now that I'm out of the Southern Wars, (somethin' else we'll get to later), I've had the opportunity to observe many a mated pair, make my own opinions.

And I found I was lonely. I didn't know if I was even gonna get a mate, you see. I've done bad, horrible things, and I have the scars to prove it. I thought maybe I didn't deserve a mate.

To me, a mate became…something to hope for. The one being who completed you, heart and soul, that instant connection, knowing that no matter how badly you screw up, they'll still be there. To love without fear of heartbreak, because no matter how bad a fight you get in with them, you know you're going to make up. Unconditional love and support, someone to hold on to and someone to get through the ups and downs of life together. Someone just to hold onto, period. That one person in the entire world, universe, whatever, that you can trust and be vulnerable with. Someone who you can feel pain, joy, lust, sadness, and most of all, someone to love you and who you love back. Everything and more.

And I probably still don't deserve that, but here you are. After decades, centuries, of waiting for you, here you are.

And I can't bring myself to be sorry. I know I should be. I really should be. But I'm not. It was violent, and you were probably scared, and freaked out, and confused, and I don't know why I did what I did. I saw you, and I felt that…connection. The deep, unwavering connection with someone that I've been waiting forever to feel. My instincts were at war with each other, my insides were in turmoil, but the one thing I knew with utter certainty is that you were the one I was waiting for. Everything and more.

And as you lay changing, in front of me, I feel…so amazing that I can't even begin to describe it to you.

But I will try to describe everything else.

**AN/: I know, I know, I'm biting off waaaaaaaaaaaay more than I can chew. We all know I can chew very little. But I had a lot of spare time without electricity, so I had ideas, and I typed them. This story is probably not going to updated often, even less than Collection, and I might even forget about it forever. Just thought I should at least put it up. You know, in case. Yeah. Destiny Part 2 is still my priority, right under all the stuff real life puts on my plate. Then sleep, then Collection, and then a few empty gaps, then finally this.**

**So, yeah.**


	2. Two

**Two**

I don't know what I should tell you next. I've lived for a long time, darlin', and man do I have stories to tell you. Maybe I should start more recent, just so that you have a context. Yeah, I think I'll start with that.

You met Alice. The one who kept trying to kill you.

That psycho pixie I was with? She used my guilt and apparently weird sense of masochism to try and change me into someone she could control. And for a while, it worked. I wore loafers instead of boots, didn't even own my own form of transportation, and was basically her puppet. At the time, I thought that was what I had to do, change myself, so that I was no longer that ruthless killing machine that screwed up lives like it was nothing and then ended them. But then I learned that you just have to be you, and say fuck you to anyone who doesn't like it. Any changes I make now are to better myself for myself, not to conform to someone else's twisted ideals.

Because to her, I was putty. Putty she could mold into her idea of the ideal mate. But we weren't mates, and no matter how much she tampered with my soul, she couldn't make it fit hers.

I think she was well intentioned to begin with. She saw how guilty and depressed I was in her visions, and tried to help me. She can see the future based on decisions, but can only see humans and vampires. Also, decisions based on instinct or split-second ones are invisible to her. She probably just wanted to help, initially. But vampires inherit human qualities, and human nature can turn sour before you know it. I'd like to say that the change erases that completely, but if anything it probably makes it worse. We're jealous, spiteful, vindictive, and selfish creatures. Possessive, controlling, stubborn, cocky, and a whole list of others.

So, she convinced herself I was her mate and that she could manipulate me and control me so that I wouldn't leave her all alone. She drove herself out of her mind, messing with the future.

To fill the inevitable gap left by trying to mold me into her mate when only one can fill that position comfortably, she turned to other men and told herself it was the solution. My scars physically disgusted her, so she sought other bed partners. I found out, but it wasn't like I was all that sexually attracted to her, anyways. She'd given me the go-ahead to seek other women, and while I felt guilty, it wasn't like I could abstain for a century like Eddie. No matter how awkward it is, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a very sexual creature, my mate. I don't want you to think that I have any expectations or anythin'; I just thought you should know. It's a large part of my personality, another thing that I suppressed.

I absorb a whole shitload of lust every day, especially considering the fact that I force myself to attend high school for some reason. Absorbing all those emotions without being able to project as a weapon like I used to makes it hard to find an outlet. But I've found sex is a fairly good one. Also, if I do project even a little lust, the person(s) who are affected feel it and amplify it on its way back to me, creating a cycle that increases the feeling each pass through. Suffice it to say I had to get a handle on that, quick, or there'd be a lot more babies everywhere. Actually, the population in general would probably be higher.

Plus, from what I can remember of my human life, I was always this way. Of course, to a lesser degree, but I've always had a large sexual appetite. Then add the fact that emotions are my specialty and lust is an especially strong one…

Let's just say that empaths need more sex than average and leave it at that.

How did I get on sex? You see, this is one of those times having a vampire mind that can go off in all sorts of directions can overwhelm the one mouth we have.

Maybe since I talked about Alice for a bit, I should talk about the rest of the Cullens. I mean, you're going to wake up and have to meet with them, so you should be prepared. Assumin', of course, you remember all of this. Really, with changin' vampires, it can go either way.

Alice's almost equally deluded fuck-up 'friend' is Edward. He's the second oldest outta the Cullen clan, the first turned by Carlisle. I'll get to Carlisle later, but Edward is basically a mind reader who manages to get on everybody's nerves.

He thinks that just because he can read the passin' surface thoughts of a person's mind, he knows them. Which is just not true. Even humans have deeper thoughts and surface thoughts, so someone who thinks about killin' another person can actually have no intention at all of carrying out the act. Vampires have an even more complicated brain, capable of doing many things all at once. Which makes him stupid. Every gift has flaws, but the difference is I know mine and have worked my best to make sure nobody can exploit them. Edward is just so egotistic that he thinks he knows all and sees all with his little mind readin' gig. Edward is also the most angst-ridden of all the Cullens and is probably very similar to what you would call an 'emo' today. He also hates it when you shorten his name, which is why I do it all the time. It bugs him, but I bet he'd prefer it to the other option of just tearin' off his body parts every time he annoys me. Because he'd be short on pretty much all of his limbs.

He thinks he's always right, and as a result he's an entitled superiority complex that walks around with an underdeveloped grasp on the real world.

I guess I can see why Eddie-boy thinks that we're damned. Which I hate to say, because to me he's a spoiled child who doesn't know nearly as much as he thinks he does. Also, he complains the loudest when he's lived most of both existences being coddled and protected from the big bad world. Now that he can't help but get just a little peek at that world, he's so filled with angst and self-hatred that just being near him makes me want to just put him out of his 'misery' already. The ways he infuriates me can fill a book, darlin', but I guess you'll have to find out for yourself soon. Moaning on and on about being a monster damned to hell, etc. etc. etc.

His lives, both vampire and human, are sheltered. He doesn't realize how good he's had it. In his human life, back in 1918 Chicago, he was one of the elite and rich. He romanticized about being a soldier in World War 1, but didn't do anything but fantasize about it. His change was due to the Spanish Flu, probably one of the few hardships he's ever had to endure. His mother begged Carlisle to change him, and so he woke up to a new life with another rich father. He's never had to actually work a day of either of his lives, even with all of his degrees.

As a vampire, he was raised as a veggie vamp, never once having to fight thanks to Carlisle's diplomatic tongue. In fact, the only reason he's tasted human blood at all is because he threw a hissy fit and left for four years to feed off humans. He judged people based on the thoughts he could read and fed off them. When he went back, he just had to look regretful and he was readily accepted back. His mopey streak came out to play, as he pretended to be a real monster. Damned. Which is funny coming from him, especially considering he's still a virgin. But how can we be damned if we have mates? Someone that embodies everything we exist for? Heaven in hell, or imperfect perfection in the depths of those fiery pits?

If being damned means that I get to have met you, then send me straight to hell, darlin', because it's more than worth it.

Anyways, besides those two, the rest of the Cullens are actually okay. Carlisle is the head of the coven, or as he likes to think of it, the patriarch and father figure of all of his 'adopted kids'. He discovered this whole animal diet thing after his change. Apparently, he had been the son of a priest who hunted vampires, or at least whomever he thought were vampires. When his father died, he tried to step into those shoes. Instead, he got changed. When he realized what he'd become, he tried to kill himself in many different ways before trying to starve himself. Which wasn't very responsible, but I guess I can kind of understand it. Doesn't change the fact that a starved vampire, especially a baby one, will most likely slaughter more innocents than a properly fed and controlled one.

Luckily for his conscience, that didn't happen in Carlisle's case. An animal wandered by, he drained it, and realized he could live off them. He's never fed off a human once, even though he's a doctor. Which, I guess, could be considered admirable. But really, if he would just indulge in a dreg of human society or two, he'd feel much better. Trust me, I'd know.

He avoids conflict, and tries to act diplomatic, always insistin' that their coven is a 'family'. He's the one who started this whole pretendin'-to-be-human thing. That, I don't really agree with, but what could I do? Like I said, I have my reasons. However, I do have a feelin' you're gonna change that, which I will be so very thankful for. He may try to play the part of the benevolent father figure, but he's a vampire just like the rest of us. He's not perfect. Plus, he neglects his duty as coven leader too often and usually sides with Edward, his first companion. Anyone can tell that no matter how hard he tries to stay equal, his favorites are ranked clearly. Eddie's his number one, after Esme his mate, then Alice, Emmett, Rose, and lastly me. So it's Eddie and Alice that really run the 'family', no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

Actually, to be more accurate, it's mostly Alice.

She uses fake visions to manipulate Eddie, who in turn helps manipulate Carlisle, who then makes the decision in favor of them, under the pretense that he's doing the right thing for his coven. It's pathetic, and frustrating to anyone who can see, and yet Carlisle and for the most part Eddie are completely clueless.

As suffocatingly irritatin' as Eddie is, he's not malicious like Alice has deluded herself into being. Just naïve for the most part, clueless, stupid, whatever you want to call it. And to think they still insist on calling themselves a family. Well, if they are, they're certainly fucked up and very, highly dysfunctional.

Carlisle's mate, Esme, is nice and mothering, I guess. That comes from her losing her baby and committin' suicide due to her abusive ex-husband and loss of her child. Carlisle changed her, allowing her to escape her hubby, but vampires can't have kids. No matter how much she wants to be able to have a baby of her very own, she can't. So she pretends like we're all her kids and convinces herself that it's a good enough substitute. She's so caught up in her fantasy about the perfect family that she looks the other way when the ugly truth is glarin' right in her face.

It's sad, but I don't think she can bear to face reality.

So really, even though we put up the front of the aloof and pristine Cullen family at school, the truth is far different. Esme degrades herself to what she still believes the perfect mother and wife must act, Carlisle deludes himself into thinking he's being a good father, Edward goes on being his stupid pretentious ass of a self, and Alice manipulates them all. What can the rest of us do about it? Wait until the shit hits the fan and hope we can still all get the hell outta dodge while pointin' backwards and yellin' 'I TOLD YOU SO' at the top of our lungs.

Rose and Emmett aren't fools. They know what goes on. But they're also smart enough to keep what they see to themselves.

Rose was the third turned, after Carlisle found her mangled self on the streets of 1933 Rochester, New York. She was the exceptionally beautiful daughter of greedy socialites. As such, she was her parents' best hope for climbing up the social ladder. She became vain and self-centered, material and shallow under their influence. Engaged to a wealthy banker, Royce King II, she wasn't in love but didn't think it mattered. One night, she visited a friend, realizin' that maybe having a rich husband and being beautiful wasn't as important as having a love-filled family. However, that night took a turn for the worst when she was brutally raped and beaten by her fiancé and his drunken friends, then left to die. Carlisle recognized her, and turned her partially as a potential romantic interest for his beloved companion, Edward.

Which is kind of even more sick and twisted, if you think about it.

It's much harder for a vampire to get over the mindset in which they were turned, so she was bitter and still a little vain. They disliked each other immensely, Edward judging her to be shallow and overly concerned with her looks. What he didn't know was that most of her thoughts that seemed so centered on her appearance were her way of keeping him out of the rest of her mind. It's a technique all of us use when we want our mental privacy. We set a portion of our thoughts on autopilot, the surface ones, and the rest is free to think whatever without him bein' any the wiser. He claims that he tries not to intrude, but he's far too dependent on his gift and actually feels entitled to your thoughts.

Two years later, after she'd had her rightful revenge, killing the men who raped her grisly but without spillin' their blood to prevent drinking from the scum, Rosalie found Emmett, her mate. She was huntin' when she found him, outside of Gatlinburg, Tennessee. He'd been mauled by a bear. He was the local 'wild kid', but in that moment he reminded her of her human life. Her friend, the one she'd been visiting, had a baby who looked similar to Emmett, and so she carried him to Carlisle to change, worried she would kill him. They're happily and passionately in love, going off often on romantic getaways or honeymoons, or just livin' apart entirely. Rosalie also feels disgruntled at not being able to have any children, but at least she didn't delude herself like Esme.

As much as they like stickin' with the Cullen Coven, they do feel slightly separate. They especially don't like havin' to just go along with whatever Alice or Edward wants. Emmett hides his intelligence with his boisterous and childlike behavior, which is an aspect of his personality amplified. He covers his thoughts from Eddie by imagining sex with Rosalie, or hunting bears, or pranks. One of the biggest mistakes they make is underestimatin' him. He's just as smart as other vampires, and a wizard with technology, like Rosalie is with cars.

As for Alice's backstory, she was in an insane asylum, but she says she doesn't have any memories of her human life. Which I find hard to believe, considering all the other blank slates I've known were either dead soon or act a certain way. At first, innocent and childish, but also feral and untamed.

Which isn't Alice at all.

Asylums back then were harsh, but lookin' at her true behavior, it might be that she was in there for a reason.

She found me in a diner actin' like she already knew me. I went along with it to see if she was a real threat or just crazy, and ended up on the doorstep of the Cullens. I'm not ashamed to admit that she manipulated me usin' my vulnerabilities. I was in a bad place then. I knew, even if I didn't want to admit at first, that she was lyin' through her teeth almost all of our relationship, but I liked having a relatively calm and steady life.

Of course, that calm and steady quickly became borin' and stiflin', but that came later. I will tell you my past, but I'd like to leave that for last, ideally, because it's not exactly pretty.

What you need to know right now is that it was more violent and depraved than the others'.

So, maybe now that you have some context for how we all behaved when we first met, you can understand it a little better. From my perspective, it probably seemed a lot different than from yours.

Let's see. It was to me, another borin' day puttin' on the human show. I actually think goin' to school and doin' what we constantly do to look human is more conspicuous. I mean, the family of aloof and rich adopted kids that date each other? I think that's more memorable if we attend school every day and highlight the differences. We get lunch but don't eat it, Alice insists on dressin' us impractically for the weather, we don't interact with the other students anyways, and our behavior all seems a little off. Not to mention their instincts tell them to steer clear. Really, we could probably blend in a little better if we just stayed outta sight and said we were homeschooled by Esme. Sometimes Rose and Emmett will get jobs and live separately for a while, and that always seems to go well for them. I just play Alice's puppet, even though we've long since drifted apart. She still is under some delusion that I'm kidding myself, but that relationship is so long gone, its skeleton is gatherin' cobwebs.

Okay, explainin' events hasn't always been the easiest for me, especially since I have to try and tell you stuff that isn't even clearly defined in my head. I hope that I'm not just confusin' you further.

But movin' on, we'd heard about your arrival of course, but it didn't interest us as much as our fellow students. Forks is a pretty small town, and the long-lost daughter of the local Chief of Police returnin'? You set the student body abuzz, darlin'. There were all kinds of whisperin' about what you'd be like. They were already startin' to fantasize about you without even meetin' you yet. The resultin' emotions were enough to get me more high strung than usual.

But the emotions on the day you came were like a wave crashin', and it left me a bit frazzled, somethin' I'm not used to. Just spend all day with hormonal teenagers and it's already pretty bad, add in a new student in a small town and they go crazy. I didn't get to see you in person until lunch, but most of the gossip I heard was about you. I swear, half those stupid human boys were in lust with you already. Eddie boy reactin' the way he did to you, though was unexpected. I guess most of our reactions were unexpected.

You were his singer, La Tua Cantante, although he managed to keep from drainin' you. It probably had to do with the fact that I instinctively soaked in most of his thirst. That's somethin' I don't normally do on purpose, but I found myself doin' it automatically when it came to you. The resultin' interest and feelings of possessiveness and obsession were somethin' I couldn't take away entirely, since I was already dealin' with the thirsts of all the others as well as the emotions of the entire student body. Which were heightened, and were affecting me greater than usual to begin with. Not to mention, I hadn't 'slipped up' in a while, and the animal blood does not mix well with my gift. Normally, a human singer is obsessed over, stalked, and ultimately drained. Unless they're unlucky enough to have a baby vampire on the other end of that stick, because then they are attacked immediately and usually gorily as well.

With Edward, since he didn't feel the full thirst, he began startin' to convince himself that you were his mate, if only to feel justified in stalkin' you and feeling the need to save you for a later meal. Even if he didn't know what he was doing at the time. That already made me irrationally angry, which I chalked up to all the extra emotions. Edward did feel a thirst that exceeded the usual burn though, and ever the drama king, made a big show of his reaction to your blood.

I still hadn't actually met you head on yet, but you were already affectin' me.

With all that thirst, jealousy, lust, and other hormonal teenage emotions burning through me, I was itching for a fight, a fuck, or a good ol' feedin'. And of course, Alice decided to pick then to have a vision, and Eddie-boy pulled himself out of his own mind to invade mine. They immediately started makin' a big show out of being concerned for me. I was fine. I'd felt worse. Thirst, lust, and fury were big emotions from my past, and vampires have the capacity to feel emotions more intensely than humans. Even with the animal blood affecting my control, I wasn't going to slaughter the entire area unless I wanted to. It'd always been that way. Even when I came to them, pretendin' to have barely an ounce of control.

Of course, I couldn't let them know that. Because if they did, then they would question my reason for bein' here. And they might just find out my real motivation. And we can't have that just yet.

So I made sure to look like I was struggling to hold on, though not enough that they needed to remove me and make an unnecessary fuss. I balled my fists up, closed my eyes, and took deep but strained breaths, all of it. I even thought of somethin' that made my eyes darken just the right amount. When I opened my eyes, though, I made a show of visibly shakin' it off.

They seemed satisfied enough, so as soon as their attention was diverted, I straightened up and went back to normal.

Lookin' at the uneaten food on my tray always makes me feel a little guilty. I know that some of these kids hoard all the food they can from school lunch, and here I was gettin' the food but not even eatin' it. I briefly considered fake-bringin' in my lunch, maybe just an empty plastic container or somethin', pretend like I eat really fast. Maybe even be ballsy enough to just fill a thermos with heated blood and say it's soup. But, I quickly dismissed the idea, because I knew the Cullens, excluding Rose and Em, wouldn't see the logic in my suggestion.

I really don't like spendin' a lot of time near Alice and Eddie, so I got up to throw away my uneaten lunch. Unlike the rest of my siblings who get up together, I know that all of us at once would be both intimidatin' and a little suspicious. Groups of friends will wait for a buddy or two to get done and go dump their trays together, but all five of us? Instead of throwin' the unopened stuff away, I discreetly placed it on the counter behind the trash can. I knew for a fact that there were always one or two students who were grateful for the act after I left.

Rose and Em did the same as I did, but Alice was too entitled to understand it. Eddie was just clueless.

That was when I saw you. You were comin' over to dump your tray, feelin' uncomfortable with all the starin', but also resigned. There was also a hidden undercurrent just pourin' out from you, a vast reserve of strength. You weren't exactly confident in your own skin, but you were comfortable. I knew that you were itchin' to tell everybody to just stop starin' at you like a new piece of meat, but didn't. I could tell a thousand things just from lookin' at you, as my entire being purred out, _mine_.

You were the best thing I'd ever seen. You still are, and I suspect you'll always be.

You know, I can feel your self-consciousness. You shouldn't feel unworthy or anythin' like that, because you are amazing and absolutely, stunningly beautiful. When you look in the mirror, no matter what you see, you obviously don't know how attractive you are. You wanna know what I see? Aside from the dazzling, hypnotizing personality, I see a woman who is definitely worthy of all the stares she gets. Sexy, beautiful, and all-over kickass. I remember when I first saw you; I nearly caused everybody in my radius to have a spontaneous orgy. Or maybe just stare, awestruck, at you forever. Long wavy hair, dark red in the sun and shiny brunette indoors, flowing down your back, brushing the curve of your tight ass. That shirt, unintentionally highlighting your breasts, just the perfect size and shape, calling out for me to just spend all day caressing them. Your face strikin', those observant eyes and kissable lips. Creamy skin that made me want to lick it just to see if you would taste as good as you looked and smelled.

You might not be the kind of gorgeous that Rosalie is, droppin' jaws and intimidatin' both guys and girls, but your beauty is the kind that makes their hearts yearn for the girl next door. I think that's what they call it, right? A girl next door? You're the reason why they get homesick lookin' at the vision of soft moonlight glowing softly in the night, remindin' them of the soft vision that is you.

I don't care how sappy and poetic I have to get, I'll wax words as best I can in the hopes that you'll se how beautiful you are. I don't want to feel emotions like that ever come from you again, because they are completely unfounded. You are worth…everything. And more, so much more.

I willed you to look at me, needin' to feel that instant connection of eye contact. When you did, it was like my whole world self-destructed, only to come back together and click firmly in place around you. It was like a thousand lightbulbs goin' off in my brain, thoughts comin' together all centered on one thing.

I'd finally met my mate. And God, you were everythin' I'd ever hoped for.

I guess I was starin' a little too intensely, because you blushed and looked down, breakin' the eye contact. I was frozen in my spot, joy fillin' my entire being and pretty much erasin' all the negative emotions I'd been feelin' from others. I may have projected just a tiny bit. I'm not actually sure. Which is a big thing for me.

I needed to be closer to you, so I moved over and offered to dump your tray for you. My mind was racin', but in a good way. I know you felt the connection at least a little, even though you were human. When I took your tray, my hand brushed yours and I felt every fiber of my bein' hum contentedly. It was a feelin' like no other…of true belongin'. Home. I don't know how to accurately describe it, but oh God, it was amazin'.

Your skin was as smooth and soft as I'd imagined. Usually the difference in temperature between a vampire and a human is harsh, but your skin didn't burn me. It warmed me pleasantly, spreading from our point of contact outwards. If my dead heart could beat, it would've been burstin' outta my chest. And your smile…

I wanted to do whatever it took to see that smile again.

I somehow tore myself away from that moment and dumped your tray, but I needed another excuse to prolong our encounter. You were feelin' nervous, so I took the edge off of it a little bit, and you relaxed. I didn't feel the natural human aversion to my kind, which I was thankful for. I didn't care if all the other humans' instincts told them not to get close to me, but you…I didn't want you to be away from me.

I made sure to angle my body slightly away from you just in case your instincts started up. It's body language that your subconscious picks up on, showing that I'm not hostile. I don't usually make the effort, but I do know how to put people more at ease with subtle things like that.

I started up idle conversation, movin' us to the side to not block the trash can. You went along, which I was grateful for. I don't even really know what we were talkin' about, I was more studyin' your expression as you spoke, the lilt of your voice, the shape of your lips. Your voice was like the most beautiful song I'd ever heard, and I wanted to keep you talkin' just so I could relish in it. I don't care how foolish I sound, I've been waitin' for you for centuries, darlin'. And now that you were finally in front of me, I just wanted to hold you so close that you'd never leave my side.

Of course, I was fightin' my instincts to claim you right away so that everybody would know that you were mine. So they'd know not to mess with you, because I'd come after them with pleasure. So they'd know not to hit on you, because I'd end them. So they'd know not to offend or anger you in any way.

Vampires who find their mates in a human, especially before the Claim, are naturally more protective, possessive, and defensive. As a human, you were more vulnerable than a vampire. And anytime a vampire's mate is vulnerable, the vampire feels the need to protect them, defend them, at all costs. Eliminate the threat.

Needless to say, most of the time the human is Claimed and then turned fairly quickly.

Actually, even if the mate is a vampire, we're antsier before we can Claim them properly. But if the mate is a human, the claimin' and the turnin' happen almost simultaneously, as the claimin' mark is also usually the turnin' bite. Bein' turned durin' the Claim helps with the burnin' feeling of bein' changed. And I'm so sorry you didn't get that, but if I'm right about you, then it's pretty null and void anyways.

Of course, that stupid human boy, what is his name? Mark…Matt…Marvin…Mick…no…you know what, his name is unimportant. Anyways, he had the nerve to come up with you, and try to ask you out. While I was standing right there. I know he's just a stupid hormonal teenage boy, but you were my mate, goddammit. Sure, he didn't know that, but he still came up and put himself physically between us, interruptin' our conversation to try and sleep with you. And from the sounds of things, he'd been turned down politely by you before. Which is actually a little pathetic, considerin' it was your first day and he'd already been rejected.

So, I hope you weren't upset when I made…slightly threatening movements. Okay, I took advantage of his human instinct to fear my kind by 'loomin' over him. But I really didn't think he'd pee his pants. I guess I was either overestimating his courage or underestimating human intuition. Because he knew, on some level, that I was not above slaughtering him.

Of course, I could tell that you weren't upset, but I just wanted to explain the event as a formality. And, I do know that is not how normal people interact, but I am not a normal person. Well, first there's the whole vampire thing. But even then…no, I said I'd tell you my past later.

I don't want to scare you off any faster than I have to.

I'm sorry, if this isn't really makin' any sense, I guess my mind's a bit of a jumbled mess. Meetin' you…all the things that happened afterwards…maybe I just need to work through it a little. Which, I guess, may be another reason I'm still carryin' on this monologue.

So, anyways, as you know the really crazy stuff didn't start up for a little while. That first week, I had to fight my instinct to just take you to somewhere where we'd be alone, just you and me. But, I kept up pretenses as much as possible, I think. We were really hittin' it off, the more I got to know you, the better and better you became. You're kind, loyal, passionate, smart…everythin' I could ask for and more… you really are my perfect match.

I just hope I don't screw it up.

**AN/: So, I know I said this wasn't going to be updated before Destiny P2. But I got a very awesome review that made me move this story up on my priority list. Now, it's real world, DP2, TV and Internet, sleep and/or this story, and finally my social life. Yay. You now get access to my sleep-deprived, internet junkie mind...aaaaat about 5 in the morning. Joy. The chapters probably won't be as long, though, so I'm going to refer to them as 'segments'. Yeah. I like the sound of that. This was Segment 2, and I hope you liked it.**


	3. Three

When I was human, I always loved the sun. I can't remember much 'bout my life before the Change, but I remember that. Whatever chance I got, I'd go out and just let the heat seep into my skin, like I was bein' baked or somethin' like that. 'Course, I was in Texas, so the sun was an always kinda thing, ya know? Most everybody had to like it to some extent; otherwise they'd go insane.

But I loved it. I lived on a small farm, the kind where everybody has to do all the work they can to keep on keepin' on. Even when I was sore all over and the sun was hot on the back of my neck, I never got tired of it. Even when I cussed at that dadgum heat, beatin' down on my back and makin' me sweat like a dog, I just cooled off in the little creek at the edge of our land and took a moment to appreciate the natural light.

Back in those times, of course, the South was full of tension towards the North. States' rights, a basic difference in the way of life and economy, slavery, all of it was just a blister waitin' to pop. We were mostly yeomen, down there, couldn't really afford slaves. Only the real rich plantation owners did the whole whippin' and overseer thing. I only knew one family that had slaves. Mary and Will, those were their names. They belonged to our neighbors to the west, though callin' 'em neighbors is a bit of a stretch. But sometimes, I'd see 'em workin' side by side on those fields, ya know. I never really got it, though, how a man couldn't have his own freedom. Sure, freed slaves out in the rural areas mainly got jobs as workers and field hands, anyhow, but I always thought you should at least get the choice. But overall, I guess I didn't really have much of an opinion either way. Just like most of the others, even up North.

Anyhow, I never went to school. Some kids did, walkin' miles barefoot in the off-season. I learned to read an' write from my Mama. I remember nights by the fire, and her gentle voice teachin' us the ABC's. She'd always be hemmin' or repairin' some of our clothes, since we were real rowdy but needed them to last as long as possible. Pa'd be out, even after the sun went down, tryin' to get every last thing done. He'd say, why wait 'till tomorrow when you can get it done today? In truth, the farm was not doin' as well as usual. He'd sigh, lookin' out at the land that was slowly failin' next to those huge plantations. He never complained, just tilted his head upwards for a quick prayer and worked until his body couldn't take it no longer. He busted his ass tryin' to provide for his family, so I did whatever I could to help. I knew how to work the land just about before I knew how to tie my shoes.

'Course, I can't really see the details, but I remember the cracklin' of the fire, the way Ma'd be so calmin' and how she always smelled like chinaberries. Pa was a quiet man, but fair. Their presences are warm. He only ever hit me once, when I'd stolen a bite of a neighbor's pie. Then I got a good tongue lashin' with a spankin' to match. But I never stole nothin' again. I remember he always had rough hands 'cept when he was kissin' Mama. He smelled like hay, sweat, and leather. I looked up to him, he was a quiet man, but honorable. Gruff and rough around the edges, but he had a good heart. He died when I was around fifteen. I was in grief, but made sure to be strong for my Ma and my sisters. I took over as man of the house and concentrated on doin' the best I could to make their lives easier. I started to really understand what my Pa'd gone through. Young as I was, I was already startin' on my way to a bum back and bad knees. I swear, my joints would creak with every movement at the end of the day. But I still did have youth on my side, and a good night's sleep would get me good as new the next mornin'.

I can remember how I felt 'bout getting' the news that on February 1st, 1861 Texas had joined the states secedin' from the Union, formin' the Confederate States of America with South Carolina, which had already seceded. I don't remember how I got the news, all I remember was the way Mama pursed her lips and said somethin' 'bout how pride was gonna get us all in trouble or worse. I didn't really know what she meant by that, but I do now. All I knew was that I felt somethin' bad comin'.

Anyhow, when the War Between the States began, all the people were talkin' 'bout how the North was tryin' to intimidate us, ya know? They called it the War of Northern Aggression, but everyone was confident we could beat 'em, let the states get more of a say in how we lived. Sure, the North had better resources and more supplies, but we had better trained soldiers. The way they figured, the North was still too English, an' they didn't know what it was like to have to depend on the land and your own blood, sweat, and tears to make a livin'. Who was the North to tell us how to live our lives when we were different as night and day? To them, it felt like the Revolution all over again.

I was young, still thought I was invincible. Heard about what the war could do to ya, but I never thought it'd happen to me. The army sounded like a good idea, an' I kept thinkin' bout how proud Ma'd be, and Pa if he was still alive. Thought I could somehow keep my family safe if I joined. And I liked Texas, my state, the friendly atmosphere I knew. We were almost all farmers workin' hard as we could to make a decent livin' from the land, and it was nice. Simple. I wanted to preserve that, too. I lied about my age and snuck in. I found I had a knack for things like strategy and plannin'. And I knew _people_, too. They called me charismatic. I rose quickly up the ranks and made it up to Major, the youngest one in history even with the fake age. I saw the horrors happenin' all around me, and I lost that feelin' of naïve invincibility real quick. I tried my best not to let it get to me. I saw my brothers in arms die, get wounded, or scarred mentally for life.

War, for me, was not as difficult as it probably should've been. Yeah, I realized the harsh reality, but I couldn't help but feel…in my element, ya know? It was war. I grew to enjoy the rush of adrenaline and how I felt more alive than anytime else during battle. It was afterwards, when I thought about all those losin' their lives, killin' their brethren, that it really got to me. It was durin' that dreaded downtime when all those thoughts came rushin' back. It didn't get to me as much as some of the others. They were the ones who'd have nightmares behind their eyelids, who couldn't shake the blood and killin'.

Battle fatigue, we called it. PTSD in modern terms. I realized just how important hope was. Hope, it seemed, was the difference between those who fought but still had life to them, and those that functioned on autopilot. The ones that tried to fight off demons in their sleep, drowned their sorrows in whiskey or moonshine whenever they could get their hands on it, and had a dead, haunted look to their eyes. We all had nightmares, but that thousand-yard stare told me they had 'em while awake, too. Nonetheless, I did my best to take care of my men. We relied on each other, and helped take all our minds off things when it got too quiet. We were doin' well, or as well as you can in the midst of battle. Then one night, everythin' changed.

The next part is the one I'm gonna save. I figure I might as well delay feelin' that disgust and hatred comin' from you. I know puttin' it off is a coward's move, but I just can't help it. I can tell you're mighty confused and curious; all I'm askin' is for you to wait. Maybe spare me the heartbreak for just a lil' while longer? Thank you, darlin'. I don't deserve it, but you've always been so good to me.

I hate my maker for many things, but one of the top ones is that I had to leave my family behind to fend for themselves. They were all strong women, but in those times they'd have faced more hardships with the lack of a male. I'd planned on goin' back after the war and usin' my military success to provide us all with more opportunities. Make their livin' even easier. Sometimes I wonder what they'd say to me if they could see me now.

The point is: livin' with the Cullens, pretendin' to be human…it's okay. But I can never enjoy the sun. You see, vampires sparkle. Yep. Probably the most dangerous predator on earth, and we freakin' sparkle like fairy princesses. Although, because of my scars, I don't sparkle as much, but it still happens whenever the sun is directly shinin' down. We can't really let humans see that, now can we? Nope. So whenever there's sun we have to stay indoors and if there are humans in there with us, away from windows. That's why we have to skip school whenever it's sunny and all our car windows are heavily tinted.

Remember how we ended up sittin' next to each other the period after lunch? I was hangin' back, thinkin' about skippin' it and makin' up some excuse. But then you rushed by, all flushed and breathless from runnin' from the other end of the school. All of a sudden, the class wasn't as borin' as I thought it was gonna be. You didn't see me slink in after you, just as the bell rang. The teacher and most of the students were occupied with you, so I sat at the last empty table and hoped the teacher would put you next to me. I don't think you realized everyone was starin' at you until he made you introduce yourself. All of a sudden, you were all shy and blushin'. It was adorable, honey, and might I say a little sexy. You always do that thing, when you're shy that makes me wanna _devour_ you. You know the one. Where you bite your lip and look up through your eyelashes? You don't know how much I thought about bein' the one to bite that lip.

Anyhow, you did that thing, and my eyes must've turned black, because when you looked up and saw me you made this little squeaking sound. The most adorable, heart-warming sound I've ever heard. Of course, it was so quiet I wouldn't have been able to hear it without my advanced vampire senses, but to me it was everything.

I could hear your heartbeat, you know that? The way it sped up when we made eye contact, I couldn't help smilin'. I knew very well that most of the time my smile can make humans very, very scared. They know I'm dangerous, even more so than a regular vampire. But you weren't scared. Nervous, yeah, but no actual fear. I guess you have no survival instinct, at least when it comes to me. It's one of the things I adore about you.

As I'd hoped, you were sat right next to me. When you took your seat, I could see how uncomfortable you were with the starin' that was still goin' on. So, I might've sent a few glares out to the rest of the room. The teacher took the cue and started blabberin' on about one thing or another. I couldn't have cared less what he was talkin' about. All I cared about was you. You were so close, but so far away. I could feel your body heat stretchin' out towards me, and I could feel the beginnings of that matin' bond practically sizzlin' between us. I think I made some joke about seein' you again. It was an inane thing to say, but it got me your smile again.

I should probably feel guilty for distractin' you from the class, but you were…I wanted to find out everythin' about you. So I asked you questions about how you saw the world, tryin' to figure out how you thought and how you just were. I know the normal things to ask about would be how you found the move or what your favorite colors were, but to be honest I wanted to know the big things first and find out all the little things as we went.

I found out you were a patient, mature, understandin' woman who took the time to think about everyone else's stories without throwin' yourself away. That you understood the world was a cruel place but found hope and reason in random good acts. I found out you loved all kinds of music because you felt it was one of the purest forms of expression. I found out you were carin' and thought about things from a person-to-person perspective. That you find personal interactions and how people acted and reacted fascinatin'. I'll admit, I usually find it easy to think of people more in the terms of assets, civilians, and hostiles. As horrible as it sounds, I don't think too much about individuals so much as groups. My first day of knowin' you and you were already blowin' my mind, darlin'.

I hated that I had to leave you at the end of that class. One period together was not nearly enough. Especially because your next periods were Spanish, Gym, and Biology. AP, too, which is impressive. I couldn't take Spanish because I was already fluent in it, more so than the teacher, and that would be suspicious. I spent a lot of time down South and in Mexico, after all. I did have Gym with you, but it was unlikely we'd be able to spend much time together in it. Biology, you had with Edward. I particularly disliked that fact. I wouldn't be able to monitor his emotions or make sure he stayed the hell away from you.

I just knew he'd be a problem. And I was right, wasn't I?

Because he'd fallen deeper into the illusion, thinkin' he had some sort of claim on you. Thinkin' you were his mate when in fact you were mine, and I yours.

Now, normally, that wouldn't be so much of a problem. I'd dispatch him, and that would be that. But the entitled bastard would only bring even more trouble on both of us if I killed him then. I hated it, with a burnin' passion, but I controlled myself. Like I said, control comes fairly easy to me. It's second nature, reigning myself in. Was that way as a human, has been that way ever since. Even when I hunt, I make sure to hold myself back. At least, to the best of my abilities. There are, of course, times when I let my control go. But I've learned early on that it's best to be calculatin' and logical when everyone else ain't bein' close to rational. Instinct's important but it's how you go about executin' it that matters.

I just had this bad feelin', you know? I knew he was gonna try and make a move. So I made my excuses to the teacher (I can be pretty convincin' when I wanna be) and hid away somewhere near to monitor him. He was still teetering back and forth, even when I take away the emotion of bloodlust, I can't deaden the physical sensation of thirst. He wanted to kill the whole classroom and anyone else unlucky enough to be around, just to drink from you. And to think, this is the guy who prides himself on his control? I was already doin' most of the work for him. Sorry, I know I'm bein' a bit bitter, it's just that he really wanted to kill you.

I was concentratin' on monitorin' his emotions and tryin' to keep all this from Alice. Alice. She fits the profile of a sociopath, that one.

Manipulative and conning. Never recognize the rights of others, sees her self-servin' behaviors as permissible. Appears to be sweet and likeable, yet is covertly hostile and, seein' people as instruments to be used. Check.

Grandiose sense of self. Feels entitled to certain things as "her right." Check.

Lying. Has no problem lying coolly and easily. It's almost impossible for her to be truthful on a regular basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about her powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and is able to pass most people's tests. Yep.

Lack of remorse, shame or guilt. A deep-seated rage, split off and repressed at her core. Does not see others around her as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, she has victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and she lets nothin' stand in her way. Sounds like her. The only reason I can tell when she's lying is that I've studied up on body language a lot over the years. Just because I can usually tell when someone's lyin' through my gift doesn't mean I want to rely on just that. And while she might not feel bad about lyin', she does have an emotional response. Glee. You'd be surprised how much of that intent, behind the manipulation, is classified as an emotion to my gift. I've spent some time around sociopaths. My creator was one. I know when they're in their element.

Shallow emotions. When she shows warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more fake than actual, and always serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remains unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. This I feel from her, all the time. Since she ain't real, neither are her promises.

Incapacity for love. She fakes it, yeah, but the closest she comes to it is obsession. Love is hard to define. It's selfish and selfless at the same time. She does kinda care for us, in her own twisted way. She doesn't wanna be alone, and we're the solution.

Need for stimulation. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. Well, she does gamble, but she knows she'll always win. She does her best to keep the physical outbursts away from the Cullens, not out of shame or wantin' them to not be exposed to her. No, she knows it's important to keep her web of lies strong.

Callousness and lack of empathy. Unable to empathize with the pain of her victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. She does this on a regular basis with Eddie-boy.

Irresponsibility and unreliability. Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Indifferent to the devastation she causes. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts she obviously committed. Scarily accurate.

Lack of realistic life plan, and a parasitic lifestyle. Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. Alice is a lot older than the Cullens believe. She saw me in a vision and figured I'd make a good victim, vulnerable and ashamed of myself as I was. Plus, it didn't hurt that I had money. That girl hasn't worked a day in her life, either. The difference is, Eddie's just an entitled brat. She's a manipulator. One of the few reasons she still bothers to keep up the lie with the Cullens is because of Carlisle's wealth.

Criminal or entrepreneurial versatility. Changes her image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. Do they really think she doesn't remember her human life? Maybe she _was_ just a sad little girl locked up in an asylum, but somethin' screwed her up this badly. Asylums were real bad, darlin'. Could've been she was fine until she was sent away for 'not bein' fine'.

Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believes she's all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish. No sense of personal boundaries, no concern for her impact on others, except when it would contradict her facade. Yeah. I've been playin' her main victim for a while now, if only to keep someone from bein' broken down by her. Like I've said, I'm no stranger to this kinda thing, and since I really don't give a rat's ass about her, I'm not fallin' for this shtick a second time. I have been nothin' but devoted to the façade. The times I do show just a hint of my real personality are never when she's around. I haven't been violent to any one of the Cullens, aside from wrestling Emmett, and even then I was holdin' myself back so much it was more of a chore than any kinda fun. For someone like me, abstainin' from violence, the thing that comes natural, like humans and breathin'…that ain't an easy thing to do. I'm committed to the role. But yeah, if I wasn't, she'd suck me in and tear me down.

I met her, officially and face-to-face, at a diner. She'd had a vision I'd be there; I knew she'd had the vision. So I went. Pretended to be the perfect puppet. Went along with her. Let myself be molded into a docile little playthin'. At least on the surface. Did you know she even dresses me?

Then again, that does fall perfectly into: exercises tyrannical control over every aspect of the victim's life.

Has an emotional need to justify her crimes and therefore needs her victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love). Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim. I might as well protect the poor, naïve Cullens from her by pretendin', even if I do hate it.

Of course, you threw a huge wrench in her plans. The ones she thought were goin' so well. She knew you were my mate. I'm still not sure when she found that out, exactly, but…well, you know what the result was.

So, anyway. I may have watched discreetly through a window. I know, it's rude to be starin' in windows, but it's not like I was watchin' you while you sleep or anything like that. That would be more up my dear brother's alley. He's always been a…what is it that people call it these days? A creeper. Yeah. I saw him freakin' you out, bein' all melodramatic as Eddie is wont to do. He really is a drama queen, always harpin' on and on about how damned we all are and how we don't have no souls or nothin'. I always get irritated, hearin' that. He thinks he's a monster. That's a laughable idea. He's…I've said this before, but I just can't stress it enough, a spoiled, entitled, brat, stuck in the past, who thinks he's better than everyone else. I know this in the way that only havin' to spend fifty-some years with him can make you. Eye rolls are not enough to express how inane he can be. I may sound harsh, and you can probably tell I have no tolerance or patience for people like him. Our personality types just don't mix well.

His hissy fit? That one I told you about? He just won't let it go. Always moanin' on and on about his sins. Playin' real depressin' songs on that piano of his. Every decade or so, I have to come up with a creative way to 'accidentally' destroy one of 'em, just so I can refrain from rippin' off his fingers and keepin' 'em in a jar. It sounds like I'm exaggeratin', don't it? I just wish I was. Even Emmett, who's usually all happy and optimistic, gets real up to here with all that mopin'. Emmett has the sense to know just how good the members of the Cullen coven have it. So peaceful and, well, borin', it has me all itchy and restless.

I don't have anythin' against peaceful. Oh, no. I definitely think the lack of horror is a plus. But like the sayin' goes, you can't take the soldier outta the man. In this case, vampire. I can't help it if I'm a bit paranoid. Restless. At least I do a good job of hidin' it.

I'd much rather live with my own coven, Pete and Char, to be honest. Vampires aren't really meant to live in numbers greater than four. That's usually two mated pairs who genuinely like and compliment each other. Sure, they can have other good friends they might live close to, for visitin' purposes, but an actual coven? Five is stretchin' it, six ain't gonna be much fun without someone who can run interference. That would be me, in the Cullen coven. I'm the emotional buffer. Oh, joy.

Bein' in a coven though, that depends on trust. Vampires are all pretty much focused on survival, instinct, and mate. Puttin' your trust in another vampire, to be your coven leader and look after the well-bein' of both you and your mate is a big deal. On the other end of the stick, if you're the coven leader, you have to put your members' well-bein' high up on your priority list. That's why I'm here, stickin' with the Cullens. It gives Pete and Char a certain amount of protection that we need. Oh, in case it needs clarifyin', I'm the coven leader. I know you ain't slow, you probably knew that. Okay.

Havin' a perfect vampire memory can get in the way of speakin', sometimes. I mean, it gets all jumbled up in your head, and you wanna say a million different things at once when we only have one mouth.

So, the first day seemed okay. He made a big show of 'controllin' his thirst', even when I was the one suckin' all of it up. I cannot express how much I wanted to just run to you, scoop you up, and abandon the Cullens to their own defenses. You'd be surprised how much tension I have to screen from them. I can tell you exactly what would happen if I acted on my impulse. Rose wouldn't be able to stand Eddie or Alice anymore, so she would drag Emmett away with her. Esme would be beyond despair at the thought of two of her 'kids' bein' estranged all of a sudden. She would spiral down in grief, relivin' her lost baby all over again. Carlisle would be highly concerned, tryin' to fix her when she needs to fix herself. He'd gradually wear himself down with worry 'till he snapped. The wantin' to take care of his mate and protect her would rule out over his pacifist, doctor mind. He'd regress and abandon his job at the hospital.

Alice would be throwin' a major tantrum and the most destructive hissy fit you ever seen. Without me to absorb most of her manipulations, she'd overdo it on Eddie. Eddie, who would eventually, most definitely, go on a feedin' frenzy. He's never really had to deal with _real_ bloodlust, that one. Carlisle kept him shielded until I could come around and soak that shit up.

With all her 'children' in a tizzy, Esme would revert all the way back, all the trauma finally emergin'. Carlisle would then instinctually take her away to someplace secluded and look after her, makin' sure there ain't no threats to her vulnerable state. They'd probably get some healin' done, which, I guess, would be good for them. But it always gets worse 'fore it gets better.

Alice, frustrated and irritated that she'd been 'abandoned', furious her plans were fallin' apart at her feet, enraged at Eddie's disobedience, would self-destruct.

Oh, she'd take plenty with her. She'd most likely go on a rampage, lookin' for power. She'd kill thousands of innocents; break people down until they were nothin'. She'd go absolutely, batshit, off-the-walls crazy. Eventually, she'd be destroyed by the vampire royalty, the Volturi. More on them later.

Emmett, saddened by his coven fallin' apart, would then become uncharacteristically depressed. Rose would feel helpless, not knowin' how to make it better. There'd be a heavy strain on their relationship, eatin' away, until one day Rose would get irrationally furious. Channelin' her strong emotions in the only way she knows how, anger, she'd pick a fight and ream her mate out.

Emmett, in an emotional state already, would ream right back. Both would say hurtful things, both would end up hurt. Things would not be pretty. Sure, they'd eventually make up and be stronger for it, but those kinds of things…vampires have to watch what they say, because we may forgive but we can never forget. There'd always be some small insecure part of each of them whisperin' about not bein' good enough.

The Cullen coven would be well and truly in pieces. In fact, they probably should be already. Maybe it's selfish of me to keep this thing goin' on. Maybe it'd be better if I let things take their natural course. Then again, I know there's a better way. At the most, I owe them enough to not make 'em go cold turkey.

Even if it is selfish, even if I'm not lookin' at the 'greater good'…well, I'm a selfish guy. Maybe I do value the lives of my coven more than the lives of others.

I realize this probably sounds like I'm full of myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sayin' I'm the single thing keepin' 'em together, or anythin' like that. They just need a buffer, and I know my role. If it wasn't me, it'd probably be something or someone else.

They'd find somethin'. Findin' excuses to keep livin' the lie they're livin' is their specialty. I don't wanna ever live that way. I may be deludin' them, keepin' up the act of the weakest link, quiet and perpetually angsty, but at least I don't delude myself. I don't wanna be anythin' other than me, but this situation…calls for a role I have to fill. Just for a little while longer.

So, the rest of the week carried on much the same. Thankfully, Eddie ran away in another melodramatic move. I grew to know more about you. I enjoyed our time together, and I was pleased to find you seemed to like it, also. I made sure to keep Alice from catchin' on just how much, though. Of course, I couldn't completely hide how much I liked you, so she decided to try and bring you into her brigade of puppets. She put on her best 'bright and bubbly' mask and announced herself as your friend.

I could tell that you didn't want to hurt her feelin's by tellin' her no, but you were uncomfortable with her just takin' over and assumin' things about you. I'd seen that you were brilliant, witty, and hilariously funny under your shell. But she made you hesitant, and rightly so. Your instincts about her were dead-on. I could see how you held her at arm's length, even without my gift; by the way you acted reserved and shy around her.

But I _can_ feel your emotions, and I knew that you were offended and angry several times because of her, yet you held back a sarcastic retort, bein' considerate as always. You could tell instantly that while there was somethin' off about her, almost no one else saw it. And, of course, you thought she was real important to me. I never got to tell you how touched I was that you would hold back and be nice to someone just for my sake.

I know, though, you were confused and a bit indignant that I acted like a complete pushover around Alice. You noticed how I had to pretend to be the perfect puppet, wounded and broken. You wanted to defend me from that, and that meant even more.

I, personally, wanted to rip Alice's head off even more. Just for tryin' to add you to her collection of pets. She wanted to control you, and it made me furious. Because no one should try to break you down the way she was startin' to try to. We both noticed when she'd make backhanded compliments like, 'Oh, Bella, you'd look so much better if you dressed nicer', or, 'I'd love to take you shopping. I've been known to do wonders, I could make you look better'. Even, 'I saw this top the other day that would look great on you! It would make your stomach look flat. You'd only need a _little_ help, and the top would be really subtle about it'. Just for the record, darlin', you're the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on and anyone who tells you otherwise is lyin' through their teeth. She was just tryin' to poke holes at you. It's what she does. She makes tiny little tears in your confidence and slowly pries them open until you need her approval. I've done some horrible things, but even I never did anythin' like that. That's just horrible. Emotionally abuse at its worst and purest form.

I've been on the opposite end, and I know firsthand how bad it can be. So, I guess one of my reasons for stickin' around is to try and keep an eye on Alice and keep her need for control sated enough for her to not tear down a victim who'd have to deal with all the shit it would bring. I may be a selfish, possessive bastard but I would never want anyone to have to go through that.

So, things were relatively stable. As much as it could be, anyways. And then Eddie had to come back.

Which could've gone down okay. But he just had to chose the day when so many things were goin' to hell in a hand basket, didn't he.

First of all, Rosalie decided to try and make you back off. To be fair, she thought she was actin' in the best interests of her coven and her mate. She saw that I was getting' close to you and Alice wasn't likin' that one bit. She knew meetin' you was the reason Eddie ran away to Alaska to lick his wounds with the Cullen's sister coven. She also knew her mate, Emmett, was takin' a real shine to you as well. She's a shrewd woman, that one, even if she hides it. She's also a bit of a downer, so she automatically saw the worst scenario. That bein' some kinda conflict between Eddie, Alice, and me. She knew the end result would drastically change everythin', possibly for the worst. Even if she didn't care all that much about Eddie or Alice, or me, she knew Emmett would be devastated if he kept on growin' closer to you.

So she tried to intimidate you into distancin' yourself from all of us. I knew the moment she cornered you in the hallway by your locker. I could feel the rage boilin' in the two of you from the other end of the school. You didn't see me, but I was immediately close, to keep any harm from comin' to ya. In case you needed me to step in, I didn't wanna have any kinda delay.

I knew you could handle yourself, but she was a vampire after all. While she probably wouldn't try anythin' to hurt you physically, especially around human witnesses and knowin' both me and her mate would be pissed off on your behalf, I didn't wanna take any chances.

I was real proud of you, ya know? She was hissin' in your face about leavin' her 'family' alone or somethin' like that and you went right back up into hers. I could feel how enraged you were, and how you squashed the little seed of insecurity she was plantin', right off the bat. I believe your exact words, spoken with a cold calm that was barely containin' that seethin' anger inside of you, speak for themselves.

You said, 'Rosalie, I don't know what happened to you to make you such a bitch, and I frankly would admire you for trying to stick up for your family if the situation was any different. But I have done nothing to warrant your bitchiness and you should get your head out of your ass long enough to see I don't mean any harm to you or yours. And you can stop trying to intimidate me because I can tell you right now it won't work. If it's jealousy that's making you so spiteful than you can put that the fuck to rest right now because I'm not trying to steal anyone away from you. And I, frankly, am sick of putting up with your ice queen bullshit so you can take that condescending tone and suck it.' You don't even know how much I wanted to kiss you for puttin' her in her place like that.

You looked past her hurtful words and saw them for what they really were. A misguided defensive measure towards what she considered to be a threat. And then you just looked her in her eyes and walked away, dismissin' her. You knew how to disarm the bomb she was lobbin' at you, and I was really and truly proud of you.

She didn't know what to make of it. She wasn't used to being stood up to, you see. 'Specially not by a human. Yet there you were. So she left, turnin' on her heel with what was left of her pride. I saw you smile, just a little, 'cause you knew you were gettin' to her.

I could tell you were deep in thought, it was written all over your face and emotions. I wanted to know what you were thinkin', what made the corner of your mouth turn up just a little.

You were walkin', so slowly, towards me, and I was thinkin' that in that moment nothin' could be better or more perfect. One step at a time, beauty and love approachin' me. You made me realize that some part of me has been always waitin' for you. I've had my heart set on you since the very beginnin', darl'. It was like you'd shined a light on somethin' that'd always been shadow, within me.

I wanted the connection that came with eye contact, but I was lurkin' and before you could see me a human girl bumped into you on accident and dropped all her books. You were immediately concerned and set about helpin' her pick them up. Angela, I think her name was. She seemed decent, but quiet and shy. I don't really remember her much; she never made much of an impact. I've been through high school so many times I just can't keep track of every single classmate. It gets real tedious.

I stayed to make sure both of ya'll were situated, then disappeared. It seemed like a personal moment and I didn't want to let on I'd been watchin'. Don't really know why…

Then, Alice stepped up the 'best friends' act, bullyin' ya into agreein' to go shoppin' with her that weekend. I couldn't go with without any suspicion, and I just knew she'd try to get her claws in ya. I also knew you wouldn't let her, but you'd be feelin' a whole ton of pent-up anger. I wanted to be able to save you from as much unneeded stress as I could. At this point, I was still pretendin' to be her perfect victim, though, so I immediately began thinkin' of ways to sabotage the effort without it seemin' as if I or anyone else was directly responsible.

The thing is, most of the time, I don't even have to set these things in motion. Simply thinkin' of startin' the chain of dominoes sends the vision to her without her knowin' what exactly changed. Since it isn't a direct consequence of my actions, she doesn't know why and simply accepts it as any number of random happenstances. Of course, she'd pout and throw a hissy fit, but in the end she couldn't really do anythin' about the supposed unluckiness.

I hadn't landed on the perfect combination of small, everyday decisions yet, though, by lunch. 'Course, then, we still didn't know how much of a ticking time bomb we were strapped to. None of us knew Edward was comin' back. He refused to answer his phone, ya see, while he was up there. While I made sure to keep track of his whereabouts through innocuous questions through Carlisle to his hosts, the whole pretendin' to go to school thing kinda interferes with my information flow.

Yet another reason to hate repeatin' high school. I mean, I've dealt with plenty worse emotional atmospheres, but I can't deny constantly subjectin' myself to hormonal, angst-ridden teenagers goin' through the awkwardness of puberty wears down on me. It's like a bunch of variations of Eddie at times.

Anyhow, at lunch, all I wanted to do was get up from the customary Cullen table and be as close to ya as I could. But, of course, I made myself stay. I couldn't keep my eyes off you, though, and after your initial blush after noticin', you didn't seem to mind. 'Course, that was when Alice noticed and decided to reaffirm her 'hold' on me by practically drapin' herself all over me and tryin' to get my attention away from you. I felt your risin' anger and jealousy, though I also could feel your confusion, shame and how you tried to tamp down on 'em. In your mind, I belonged to Alice. I can't tell ya how much I wanted to just say 'fuck the plan' and swoop down to take you away, explain all of this shit. How I was never Alice's, because I belong to you. Just as you belong to me. Whatever screwed up bastard I am is yours, if you'll have me.

We'll all die, eventually. There's no such thing as a true forever, and when we eventually expire, I know straight where I'm headin'. Not because I'm a vampire and that automatically dooms me, like Eddie boy thinks, no, because I've sinned too many times not to. I've done so many horrible things, and I've made my peace with it. But until then, until I go to hell, which I imagine can't be too much worse than the living hell I've had to deal with, but probably will be, I'd like to spend my time with you. Any of your presence I can have, because I'm a greedy, selfish bastard and you…you're my own personal heaven, darlin'. I know there's no hell that can ever make me regret whatever parts of my life you decide to grace with your light, and I'll be fine down there as long as I know you exist. That out there, somewhere, is something better. You. I don't know how to put it into words, exactly, but all I know is the joke is on the devil. The joke's on him, because he only gets me after I've already experienced heaven, after knowin' you.

Anyhow, I knew, rationally, it wasn't wise to tip her off as to my true intentions. However, it was makin' me as uncomfortable as it was makin' you, and not just 'cause of my empathy. So I deposited her back in her seat with some random excuse I came up with. I keep some of 'em ready to go just to fire off at moments like that. I don't like bein' in a 'relationship' with her, in fact I was disgusted most of the time. So, in that instant, I started comin' up with possible ways to spin it so she didn't become suspicious of me but also relinquished her 'claim'. 'Course, to avoid her gift, I had to keep this all idle speculation, distance myself from it in my mind. Substitute us for random people, more like a 'what if' scenario. And I also made sure to make a concrete decision to go along with her, even if was only on the surface. Like Eddie's gift, hers operates on just the top plane of the consciousness, which is why she can't see snap decisions or people goin' off instinct.

Extremely useful, I tell ya.

I was monitorin' them all in the background of my mind, both with my senses and my gift. My gift comes in handy, but I make sure not to rely too much on it. As a human, I could tell, probably by subconsciously pickin' up on minute changes in body language and stuff like that, how people were feelin' without it, and I don't wanna get rusty on those skills just in case somethin' happens and I can't use it. I can't really claim the credit for the extra precaution, as my Sire and former Mistress (part of my past that I'm puttin' off), Maria, made sure I could fight without it just as well and better than the average fighter. She basically made me repress it, think around it, ignore it. If I didn't, well…let's just say her unique way of trainin' made me correct that real fast.

'Course, that didn't mean she didn't realize the potential of my gift and hone it. I've continued on that point and, if I may say so myself, have a very useful ability I can now wield with ease. I know my limitations, and I also know how to best use it to get what I want done. I know that while it's one of my greatest strengths and advantages, it can also be a big weakness and have taken measures to protect myself.

Maria may have been a cunt, (and I don't take the insult lightly), but she knew potential when she saw it. Not so much like the Cullens.

They have a tendency of dismissin' my gift, especially when around Alice and Eddie. They who like to rub their gifts in people's faces, bein' all intrusive and nosy. It's easy to forget about me when you have to constantly worry 'bout your thoughts and actions in the future, especially when I'm blendin' into the background on purpose. My policy has been to speak quietly and carry a big stick for a while now, but I tend to keep the big stick behind my back so they can't see. They tend to forget I'm not just a chill pill who'll give a little bit of calm when they need it. I, in turn, make sure to project it in a way that feels fake and manufactured so they don't realize how easily I could manipulate them with my gift. I also make sure to make it so that they can fight it off fairly easily if they want to, to give them the illusion that it can't affect them if they don't want it to. They've never seen me use it as a weapon, you see.

Not that I'd enlighten' 'em. I figure why show your whole hand when you can just let 'em believe and see what they want to. It doesn't hurt that it falls in my favor. Which is why I have to constantly adjust my body language to make 'em overlook me. It's odd, deliberately posin' in a way that don't come naturally to me, but it's become easier to play the part and become a wallflower.

Anyways, I've always had a thang for observin'. Feelin' their emotions gives me insight as to their motivations, and I like figurin' things out. Of course, after a while it gets to be easy and almost second-nature, getting' into people's heads and thinkin' the way they'd think. I know how they think because I know how they feel. Somethin' Eddie wouldn't even think of. I don't need to know what they think because I know how they'll react and even if I didn't I could always change the emotion faster than he could say look out. People have gut, emotion-based reactions before they form conscious thoughts, and even if they didn't, he can't read their minds if they're runnin' on instinct. No coherent thoughts to hear. And, let me tell ya, thought many people try, it's damn near impossible to lie with your emotions. Even if you get good at dredgin' up fake emotions to fool me with, one little thing catchin' ya of your guard, even a single innocent question, can bring it tumblin' down. Ya see, your instant reaction to somethin' is impossible to cover up from me, and in the moment between whatever it is, happenin', and you bein' able to consciously change your emotions, I'd be able to tell what ya were doin'.

I'm not tryin' to boast, or anythin'. Don't take it as me tryin' to show off. I just want ya to know me…especially before I tell ya…well, let's just say I'm tryin' to explain my gift to ya because it's a big part of who I am. And tellin' ya who I am is somethin' to distract from this whole clusterfuck, and besides, it's good to know you're still there…reactin' to what I'm sayin'.

So, here I sit, blabberin' on about nothin' and everythin', tryin' to figure out how to tell ya centuries' worth of knowledge I've accumulated in a short time. Just 'cause I have perfect vampire recall don't mean I know how to explain all of it, which is probably why I'm talkin' myself in circles and whatnot. Start with things you're familiar with, they say, start at the beginnin'. Well, I wasn't around to watch the beginnin' of time and how tiny things in the past led to other things and how the domino effect eventually led to everythin' that happened.

This shouldn't be so hard to explain.

Okay, so, the lunchroom. I think I can get back to that, as long as I don't start spinnin' off in another direction again. Forgive me, darlin', I'm not used to bein' such a chatterbox. A few hundred years, and you'd think I'd learn to talk. Other than orders and shit like that. How to have a heart-to-heart, or whatever. Oh, think that's funny, huh? Then again, I guess it kinda is. You're right.

I have a feelin' I'm goin' be sayin' that a lot when you wake up.

Alright. Back on track. So you gave me a little smile, just so, and lemme tell ya, I came close to bein' embarrassed as to how much that made me a giddy motherfucker. Makin' ya grin', ya know. Even if just a little. Then, of course, real life had to come and shit on any semblance of a 'moment' we had goin' on, with the arrival of Eddie-kins.

And, in typical Eddie style, it just had to be a dramatic re-entrance. I heard a screech of tires comin' down the road just after my gift picked up some highly conflictin' emotions. I turned my head to look out the window, maybe just a little too fast to be human. He was throwin' out all sorts of shit. Longin', nerves, hope, possessiveness (a little too much if ya ask me), glee, shame, self-hatred, greed, blood-lust, protectiveness, defensiveness, suspicion, impatience, angst, and a whole slew of fuckery like that.

He pulled up into the parking lot with a loud squeal of his tires. And he doesn't like any harm comin' to his stupid silver Volvo, so for him to be riskin' the tires like that said a lot to his state of mind. I knew he sure as hell wasn't ready to come back, so I got up to dump my tray. On the way, I caught Em's eye and his face said all I needed to know, even without checkin' his emotions. He agreed with me, Eddie-boy should not re-enter the school.

He got up as well, askin' me questions at vampire speed. Rose came with us as we went towards the exit under the guise of cleanup. I registered that Alice wasn't feelin' too happy 'bout that, probably 'cause we were effectively excludin' her.

But it was more than that. Her emotions were…off. Under the expected disgruntled feelin's, distrust, and irritation, and so on, were some underlyin' ones that immediately had me concerned. There was a sense of satisfaction, determination, possessiveness, and manipulation. Then there was the gloatin'. I took a step back in my mind and thought about it, comin' at it from what I knew about each of them.

When it clicked, I was halfway to the trash can walkin' at human speed, and I nearly stopped altogether. As it was, I let out a growl, thankfully too low for humans to hear. Alice had done somethin'. I didn't know what yet, but she'd somehow manipulated Eddie, and he was about to do somethin' drastic. Somethin' bad, somethin' Alice was almost giddy about. I had a nasty tinglin' feelin' it had to do with you, and seein' as to how Alice felt about you, it wasn't exactly gonna be sunshine and roses.

With the threat to you, I had to fight even harder not to just lose myself to my instincts to protect ya at all costs. I woulda fucked up the plan I'd spent fifty years undercover for, slaughtered probably the entire student population as well as the Cullens, grabbed you, and hightailed it outta there killin' anyone unfortunate enough to be in my way. Knowin' that, I tried to keep a grip on my sanity. Didn't mean I wasn't gonna fly off the handle, and willingly too, if you were to be in direct danger.

Because some things're worth that kinda thing, an' trust me, baby. You're worth it, an' you always will be.


End file.
